Flatmate
by Milliza
Summary: Hermione gets stuck with Sirius as a flatmate. It goes about as well as you expect. Crazy shenanigans ensue. SBHG Sirius/Hermione
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: the brilliance of HP belongs to J.K. Rowling. I own nothing.**

 **Flatmate**

"I need a favor Sirius."

Sirius raised an eyebrow at his Godson's tone. He sounded a bit strangled.

"Sure. What is it?" He set down his newspaper.

Harry fidgeted and wouldn't meet his eyes. "It's Hermione." He admitted. "She… uh…" His voice broke.

Sirius's other eyebrow raised. Well, this was interesting.

"She needs a flatmate!" He blurted. "Ginny wants me to move in with her and Ron has Pansy. She's going to be alone and the Ministry doesn't pay enough to cover the bills and rent by herself."

Sirius cocked his head. "You want me to move in with her?"

"It's only temporary." Harry promised. "Please Sirius."

Well, it wasn't like he enjoyed living at Grimmauld. The place was as cheerful as Azkaban, even with all of his mother's old crap thrown out. He still couldn't figure out how to get her ugly mug off the wall either.

He shrugged. "Sure. Why not?"

And that was that.

—

 **Another story, but told in snippets. It's going to be a Sirius/Hermione pairing so flee now or you might get dragged in!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

"I never should have agreed to this!" Hermione hissed. "It was a horrible idea."

"He's not that bad."

 _"Not that bad!?"_ She shrieked. "The apartment! _M_ _y_ apartment. Have you seen it lately?"

"Technically," Harry shifted uncomfortably. "It's his apartment too."

They sat in the Leaky Cauldron; Hermione venting her frustration about her new flatmate and Harry trying to defend his Godfather while at the same time avoid becoming the target of her ire.

"He's a menace!"

"He can't be worse than me and Ron." Harry joked.

Hermione deflated and looked suddenly depressed. "It's weird that we don't live together anymore. I miss us."

"Hey," Harry nudged her. "With Sirius around, you probably won't even notice!"

—

 **A little shorter than the last one but they get longer eventually.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

Groggy from sleep, Hermione half-stumbled, half-walked to the bathroom to empty her bladder. Eyes closed she managed to get inside the bathroom; too sleepy to even turn on the lights, she pulled down her pajama bottoms and sat on the toilet.

—right into the freezing water of the toilet bowel.

 _"SIRIUS!"_

The scream of his female roommate woke Sirius up from his buxom-filled dream and he half-stumbled, half-ran to get to the bathroom. He slammed the door open, wand raised and ready to fight off any attack. "What's wrong!?" He demanded.

Hermione stood, butt dripping wet and glaring murder at Sirius as she clutched her pajama shirt over her front modestly.

"Um... oops?"

—

 **That's all for now!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

"You are absolutely hopeless." Remus said in a suffering tone as Sirius sprawled out on his couch. "What did you even do?"

"Why is it _my_ fault?"

"Sirius…"

"I just left the toilet seat up! I forgot okay? And she gave me boils and had canaries peck at my head." He did _not_ like where some of those boils ended up either. "Then she kicked me out." He pouted.

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. Well, that explained why he woke up to Sirius raiding his fridge at two o'clock in the morning.

"It was probably a combination of things." Remus said. _M_ _any_ things. He added to himself.

Sirius groaned. "But how do I fix it?" He whined.

Remus gave him a flat look.

"Grovel."

—

 **More Hermione and Sirius in the next chapter. Until next time.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

"You forgive me right?"

Hermione rolled her eyes. "I have a paper to finish, Sirius. Go away."

"But I'm _forgiven_ right?" He emphasized as he stared at her intently, sitting on the couch with his hands clasped in front of him. Sirius was being uncharacteristically… _serious_.

Hermione ignored him until he reached out and plucked the paper right out of her hand.

"Ugh! Fine! Yes! I forgive you! Now give that back before I hex you!"

Sirius smiled. "Great! Now lets celebrate!"

"Celebrate _what?_ "

"You forgiving me of course!"

"Absolutely not!" Hermione snapped. "I have a paper to finish. Now give it back!" She tried to grab it but missed.

"Nah-uh. I'm holding it hostage." He waved it for emphasis. "You get it _after_ we get back."

"That's unfair!"

"That's why they call it _black_ mail love." Sirius winked.

—

 **I'm horrible using puns on Sirius's name, and not just once, but twice in the same chapter! You all probably hate me for it, but I couldn't resist.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

"I'm going to kill you Sirius."

"Why? No one will recognize you." He looked around eagerly. He hadn't been to a muggle house party in _ages_. "What should we do first?"

"Go home?"

"I see the beverage table." He ignored her jibe and pointed. "Lets go!"

Of course he would go for alcohol. Hermione thought as he dragged her to the table. Now all that was left were the girls.

"Wait. Do you take Harry to things like this?"

He blinked. "Nooo…" That wasn't a bad idea actually.

Hermione glared. "You _better_ not." They would have a _very_ long talk if he did. They reached the table with a punchbowl and drinks.

"Now remember." Sirius wagged his finger at her. "You have to have some fun or you won't get this—" He patted his front pocket. "Back."

Hermione glowered at him as he spotted a group of girls and started flirting. She eyed the alcohol.

"Might as well." She picked up a drink.

—

 **Hope you enjoyed!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

"Oh shit."

Sirius stared wide-eyed and horrified at the sight in front of him. Harry was going to have a cow. No, a sheep. Damn, the whole fucking herd!

He had been chatting up a group of muggle girls when he had glanced around for his roommate and promptly did a double take.

Hermione was dancing on top of a table.

And stripping.

 _Shit! Shit! Shit!_

Sirius rushed over just as she took off her shirt and danced around in her bra.

"Time to go!" He shouted and plucked her off the table. There were groans of protest. "Piss off!" He snapped.

"Thish was fun." She giggled, drunk out of her mind. "Whas next?" She smiled up at him.

"I'm taking you home."

"But I dun wan to!" She protested, thumping his chest. "Les do someshing else?" She wheedled.

Sirius thought about it.

"Alright, just try not to throw up on me when we apparate."

—

 **Last few days the uploading has been weird. Maybe it will work this time?**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

"You got her _drunk?_ " Remus gaped.

Hermione giggled and waved drunkenly at Remus standing outside their flat while Sirius held her up.

"To be fair, I wasn't trying to." He shrugged. "I wasn't even there."

"You _left_ her?"

Now he sounded pissed.

"She can take care of herself." Sirius defended. It wasn't like he hadn't kept an eye on her. He just didn't realize she had been drinking _that_ much. "Why are you here again?" He asked annoyed.

"Because you're an idiot." Remus snapped. "And I wanted to make sure you two didn't kill each other."

"We're fine." Sirius said just as Hermione tipped forward and almost fell on her face. Sirius caught her. "Just don't tell Harry," He paused, then added. "Or Molly."

Remus thought about it. Harry would understand but Molly would go after Sirius with hedge clippers if she found out.

He sighed. "Fine."

—

 **Thank you all for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

It was a perfect morning. The sky was blue and the sun was shinning beautifully.

It was also digging into her eyeballs.

Hermione groaned and rolled over to bury her face in her pillow. At least, she thought it was her pillow, but it didn't smell like her shampoo...

She shot up and immediately grabbed her head.

"Oww…"

"Morning beautiful."

Hermione shrieked and tumbled out of bed. Sirius laughed as she got up from the floor. "Dammit Sirius!" She yelled, then winced and grabbed her head again. "Ow."

His laughter turned into a chuckle. "Serves you right, sleeping in my bed and hogging all the sheets."

"Your—" Hermione sputtered, mortified.

"Yep." Sirius flopped back, hands behind his head. He wore a faded muggle band t-shirt and pajama bottoms. "Nice knickers by the way. Very cute."

"Shut up!" Hermione snapped, then grumbled. "I can't believe I slept in your bed."

Sirius snickered. "Don't worry, kitten. I was a perfect gentleman... no matter how cute you look drooling in your sleep."

Hermione scowled and flung a pillow at his face.

—

 **I always got the impression Sirius is the type of person who can be charming even when he's insulting someone to their face.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

If Sirius could describe Hermione it would be with two words.

Brilliant and vengeful.

The entire flat was now alcohol-free. Any liquor he brought into the house immediately turned into vinegar. Sirius would have applauded her marvelous pranking skills if it didn't annoy him so much. He had to go to a bar or Moony's if he wanted a drink now.

Still... drunk Hermione was pretty funny, and Sirius Black always did like to live dangerously.

"I don't want to know what you're smirking about." Harry eyed his Godfather warily. "Are you up to something?"

"I'm always up to something." Sirius quipped. He flicked his wand and the plates stacked themselves in the cupboard. Molly had _insisted_ he wash the dishes to keep him out of trouble. The mad woman. She'd also made Harry his designated dog-sitter.

"Well, yeah." Harry fidgeted uncomfortably. "Is this about Hermione?"

Sirius raised a brow. "Did she tell you I got her drunk?"

"You got Hermione _drunk?_ "

Sirius smirked. "I'm surprised you haven't heard about it yet. She certainly complained to _me_ enough about it."

Harry tried to wrap his head around the idea of Hermione drunk and failed miserably. "Er, how was it?"

Sirius considered editing what happened for the sake of his Godson… then promptly tossed that idea out the window. "She has cute knickers."

 _"WHAT!?"_

—

 **A longer chapter at last! The lengths vary a lot, but I think I'll eventually get them to a thousand words or more.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

Hermione tried not to stare.

Really she did.

She wasn't surprised Sirius would walk around the flat shirtless. It was hot inside, but it was also rude of her to stare, and while she was impressed with his physique, it wasn't his washboard abs or the density of his muscles that had caught her attention.

"You have tattoos?"

Sirius eyed her carefully. "Yeees…"

Huh. She'd never noticed before. One of them looked new, but she couldn't tell what it was.

Shrugging, Hermione went back to her coffee. Sirius might act like a teenager but he was a grown man; free to get as many tattoos as he wanted. The man in question looked like he just dodged an AK though, and Hermione wanted to throw a biscuit at his head for looking so relieved.

But she stopped herself.

"Hey, if I can have my shirt off, can I take my pants off too?"

Barely.

—

 **Another one done!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

Grocery shopping was supposed to be easy, but as Hermione stared horrified at the boxes on the floor, she suddenly didn't think so.

The… stuff… was probably useless now. She could fix it with magic and put it back on the display, but there were too many muggles and a lot of young people were giving her cheeky looks and grinning.

Grinding her teeth, Hermione picked up the boxes of condoms and dumped them into her cart. Face hot, she stuck her nose in the air and and made her way to checkout.

She would just burn them all later...

... and hoped nobody her parents knew saw her.

—

 **Going on break for a bit because of the holidays. See you at the beginning of next year!**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

The door slammed and Hermione stomped through the flat to the kitchen, ignoring Sirius on the couch looking at motorcycle magazines.

He looked up. "Rough day?"

Hermione slammed the bags on the counter. "Fine." She growled, taking out groceries and putting them away. It was his fault she had to go to the store. Stupid jerk had to eat all her ice cream.

She turned and squeaked when she noticed Sirius had wandered into the kitchen and was snooping through the bags. He raised a brow and pulled out a familiar, brightly-colored box.

"Is there something you're not telling me love?" he grinned roguishly and waved it around a little.

Hermione snatched it from his hand, cheeks burning. "Shut up!" She snapped, shoving it back into one of the bags as Sirius laughed at her. She pointedly moved them out of his reach.

His laughter turned into a chuckle. "Are you a secret deviant? Because if you are..." He wiggled his eyebrows.

Hermione scowled at him.

"No. I just bumped into a display of... _that_ and had to buy them."

"Hmm." He tapped his chin. "Can I have them?"

Hermione gave him a suspicious look. "What are you going to use them for?"

"Oh, this and that." He smiled innocently.

Now she definitely wasn't going to give them to him. "No. I'm going to burn them and forget it ever happened."

"Oh, come on! Please?"

Hermione ignored his puppy eyes and put away the last of the groceries. Snatching up the bags full of six month's worth of condoms, she marched out of the kitchen and to her room. If Hermione was lucky she could forget this whole thing ever happened.

Sirius probably wouldn't let her though.

—

 **It's the year of Padfoot — I mean the Dog! Yay! Happy belated New Year! I hope you guys had a great holiday with your family and friends. It's been a while since I updated so I made this an extra long chapter and because the last one was so short.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

"I heard you're shacking up with my cousin." Draco drawled and leaned against the doorway of his study at Malfoy Manor.

Hermione glared at him. "I'm not shacking up with anyone."

He raised a brow. "You're living together aren't you?"

"So?"

"Then you're shacking up." He declared.

Hermione huffed and blew a strand of hair out of her face. "Did you need something Malfoy? Or are you here just to annoy me?"

"I _live_ here Granger." He smirked. "How's the investigation coming?"

Hermione scowled. The smug prat had her checking every room in his whole damn house for a _wrackspurt_ infestation of all things. "Fine, if you ignore the fact nothing was here to begin with."

"You didn't have to investigate Theo and Astoria's house because Luna told them about cabobble-whatsis at dinner last week." He said dryly. "If I have to suffer through Theo bitching about his wife and her sudden fear of going bald, you can check my house for wrackspurts."

Hermione rolled her eyes. "You filed a report just to complain to me didn't you?"

"I'm being a supporting husband." He sniffed.

"You're being a pain in the arse is what you are." What did Luna see in him anyway? Hermione checked the room again and lowered her wand. "Alright, done."

Draco smirked. "Not so. You still have the second master bedroom, the right-wing lavatory, the entire third floor, and — oh!" He snapped his fingers. "The attic. Lots of space for those nasty, make-your-brain-fuzzy wrackspurts."

Hermione glared. Definitely a pain in the arse.

—

 **Draco appears and is his usual, charming self isn't he?**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

Hermione was just getting dressed when she noticed something in the mirror she had never seen before. She turned around and squinted.

Was that…?

The door to his room slammed open and Sirius stuck his head out from the covers. "Wha?" He asked sleepily.

Hermione glared and turned around to yank down the top of her shorts so he could see her…

His mouth dropped as he ogled her butt.

"Sirius," Hermione growled. "Why is there a tattoo on my arse?"

He was distracted by the sight of her firm behind, so it took him a second to realize that she had said something, then he noticed the black pawprint on her left butt-cheek. He kind of liked it actually…

"Sirius!"

He gave his head a firm shake. "Yes, Kitten?"

"Why do I have a tattoo?" Her eyes had narrowed to slits and he cleared his throat nervously. Hermione looked ready to throttle him.

"Because... you wanted one?"

"Dammit Sirius!"

"It's true! I wanted to get a tattoo and you were drunk and said you wanted one too!" She had also asked for advice on what to get, but he wasn't going to tell her that. How was he supposed to know she'd take him seriously about the paw-print tattoo? "You kind-of insisted… and were waving your wand a lot."

Hermione ground her teeth. "But _why_ is it on my _butt_?"

Sirius knew he was going to get hexed... but he was also half-hidden by his covers and had already formed an escape plan. He grinned cheekily.

"Because you said you liked mine and wanted yours to look good too." He winked. "Not that you need any help with that. You have a very nice arse from here, but I admit I like it even better with that tattoo."

He barely dodged the hex aimed at his face.

—

 **Another update. Let me know what you think!**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

"Why are you at my place again?"

Sirius shrugged and stretched his legs out on the couch. "Hermione kicked me out again."

Remus sighed. _Of course she did._ "Didn't we have this conversation already? I told you to grovel."

"Hermione's a little too hex-happy right now to listen to an apology." He waved his hand vaguely. "And I'd like to keep my bullocks where it is, thanks."

Remus groaned. "What did you do _now_?"

"I, uh... got a tattoo." Sirius fidgeted.

Remus's brow furrowed. That didn't sound so bad. Why would—?

"… and Hermione might have gotten one too when I took her out and she got drunk." Sirius said in a rush that Remus heard clearly.

He slapped a hand over his face. "Padfoot…" How could his friend be so good at charming woman and still piss them off just as much? "Wait. You took her out almost two weeks ago. How did she just find out about it?"

Sirius wouldn't meet it his eyes. "It's… not in a very obvious place?"

There was so many interpretations to that one sentence Remus didn't even want to start. He ran a hand down his face. Sirius was definitely going to be here a while. "I'll get an extra pillow and blanket."

Sirius, arsehole that he is, winked. "You're the best, Moony."

—

 **Ta for now!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter.**

 **Flatmate**

Hermione didn't plan to bring Sirius baby shopping; but Luna was pregnant, Hermione had no idea what to get her, and Sirius had pestered her into tagging along.

She really should have just asked Tonks.

"What about this?"

Hermione looked up as Sirius held up a baby thermometer. "Do you even know what that is?"

He shrugged. "No idea, but that means Cissa's brat won't either."

Hermione groaned. "Can you behave? I need to find something for Luna."

"Spoilsport."

Hermione ignored him and examined the display of baby products. "Maybe I should just get baby clothes… or would a baby supply kit be better? What do you think?"

Sirius scratched the back his head. "Does it really matter? All you have to do is pick something. It can't be that hard."

Hermione glared. "It's not that simple."

"Sure it is. Close your eyes, point at something, then buy whatever the hell you're pointing at."

Hermione gaped. "Is that what you always do?"

"Not always." He smirked. "And before you ask, James and Lily did all the fancy baby shopping. Remus too. I was the fun Godfather. I only bought cool stuff, like toy brooms and Firebolts."

"We are _not_ getting a toy broom." Hermione hissed. She noticed he didn't mention Pettigrew. Not that he would. He was tucked away in Azkaban now.

They must have bickered a while because a saleslady walked over. "First time parents?"

Hermione blushed and Sirius grinned wickedly.

"Yep." Eyes sparkling mischievously he patted Hermione's stomach. "We've got a little bun in the oven."

Hermione scowled and smacked his hand.

He snickered and turned to the saleslady. "Pregnancy mood swings." He winked.

"I'll show you mood swings." Hermione said darkly. She still hadn't forgiven him for the tattoo on her butt.

"Aww, don't be that way, kitten." Sirius put his arm over her shoulders and grinned at the saleslady. "We're good, just having a lively debate."

"Let me know if you need any help." She gave them a friendly smile and walked away.

The moment she was gone Hermione turned and punch him in the arm.

"Prat!"

Sirius only laughed so Hermione punched him again for good measure. "I can't believe you let her think I was pregnant!"

He chuckled. "Admit it. That was fun."

"For you." Hermione grumbled. She looked at the table and picked up the first thing she saw; cute little booties Draco would hate and Luna would absolutely love. "Let's go. I don't want this place giving you anymore ideas."

Sirius smirked. "If you say so. Want to eat?"

Her grumbling stomach decided before Hermione could refuse, and Sirius' grin widened.

She crossed her arms and huffed. "Fine."

—

 **This chapter was fun to write. Picturing the two of them in a baby store trying to pick out stuff was just hilarious for me.**


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